Henny Youngman quotes

I don't give women a second thought because the first one covers everything.

Henny Youngman

Nothing confuses a man more than driving behind a woman who does everything right.

Henny Youngman

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

Henny Youngman

Here is a message for all you parents. Is your teenage son or daughter out for the evening? If so, take advantage of the opportunity, pack your furniture, call a moving van, and don't leave a forwarding address.

Henny Youngman

If at first you don't succeed... So much for skydiving.

Henny Youngman

I am completely exhausted from too much wine, women and song, so I seriously contemplating giving up singing.

Henny Youngman

You look like a talent scout for a cemetery.

Henny Youngman

Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.

Henny Youngman

She's a big hearted girl with hips to match.

Henny Youngman

If my mother knew I did this for a living, she'd kill me. She thinks I'm selling dope.

Henny Youngman

I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car.

Henny Youngman

I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up they have no holidays.

Henny Youngman

This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number.

Henny Youngman

This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest.

Henny Youngman

How to drive a guy crazy: send him a telegram and on the top put 'page 2. '.

Henny Youngman

'Doctor, my leg hurts. What can I do?' The doctor says 'Limp!'.

Henny Youngman

I take my wife everywhere I go. She always finds her way back.

Henny Youngman

I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him.

Henny Youngman

Those two are a fastidious couple. She's fast and he's hideous.

Henny Youngman

Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.

Henny Youngman

My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it's feet first!

Henny Youngman

You have a ready wit. Tell me when it's ready.

Henny Youngman

She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.

Henny Youngman

My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash.

Henny Youngman

The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.

Henny Youngman

That was the first time I saw a horse start from a kneeling position!

Henny Youngman

I asked a Jewish man 'Do you know where Michigan Avenue is?' He said 'Yes', and walked away.

Henny Youngman

I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o clock.

Henny Youngman

If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas.

Henny Youngman

A Jewish woman had 2 chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

Henny Youngman

A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.

Henny Youngman

My other brother in law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself.

Henny Youngman

There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out.

Henny Youngman

You have a nice personality, but not for a human being.

Henny Youngman

This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated!

Henny Youngman