Groucho Marx quotes

Those are my principles. If you don't like them, I've got others.

Groucho Marx

If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.

Groucho Marx

Three years ago I came to Florida without a nickel in my pocket. And now I’ve got a nickel in my pocket.

Groucho Marx

I can see you now bending over a hot stove: but I can’t see
the stove.

Groucho Marx

Marry me Emily and I’ll never look at another horse.

Groucho Marx

Personally I don’t see why a man can’t have a dog and a girl. But if you can afford only one of them, get a dog.

Groucho Marx

"Duck behind the sofa,"she told me. "There’s no duck behind the sofa," I told her.

Groucho Marx

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

Groucho Marx

Anyobe can get old. All you have to do is live long enough.

Groucho Marx

Will you marry me? How much money do you have?
Answer the second question first.

Groucho Marx

We must remember that art is art.
Still, on the other hand, water is water and east is east and west is west, and if you take cranberries and stew them like apple sauce, they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does.

Groucho Marx

I have known and respected your husband for many years and what is good enough for him is good enough for me.

Groucho Marx

How do I feel about women's rights? Just the same way as feel about women's lefts.

Groucho Marx

Why didn't Jack Benny hit a home run like I told him to? If he's not going to do what I tell him to do, what's the use of my being manager of the actors' baseball team?

Groucho Marx

So I've tried your patience, you must try mine sometime.

Groucho Marx

No man goes before his time, unless the boss leaves early.

Groucho Marx

Gentlemen, Ravanelli may look like an idiot, he may behave like an idiot, but don't let that fool you, he really is an idiot.

Groucho Marx

A Red Indian always sleeps with his head towards the tire to keep his wig warm.

Groucho Marx

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

Groucho Marx

Who was that oboe I saw you with last night? That was no oboe, that was my fife.

Groucho Marx

You can quote me as saying that I was misquoted.

Groucho Marx

If the garbage man calls, tell him we don't want any.

Groucho Marx

Although it is generally known, I think it's about time to announce that I was born at a very early age.

Groucho Marx

There is one way to find out if a man is honest, ask him. If he says 'yes', you know he is crooked.

Groucho Marx

Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself:
I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.

Groucho Marx

There's one way to find out if a man is honest, ask him. If he says, 'Yes, ' you know he is a crook.

Groucho Marx

Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy.

Groucho Marx

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.

Groucho Marx

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

Groucho Marx

It frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy.

Groucho Marx

Whoever called it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.

Groucho Marx

Humor is reason gone mad.

Groucho Marx

I've had a wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

Groucho Marx

Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows, marriage does.

Groucho Marx

There's one way to find out if a man is honest, ask him. If he says, 'Yes', you know he is a crook.

Groucho Marx