Funny quotes

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

Albert Einstein

When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat.

George Carlin

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

George Carlin

When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here?

Billy Connolly

I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.

Bill Watterson

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

George Carlin

I don't like jail, they got the wrong kind of bars in there.

Charles Bukowski

Not only is there no God, but try to getting a plumber on weekends.

Woody Allen

What's the two things they tell you are healthiest to eat? Chicken and fish. You know what you should do? Combine them, eat a penguin.

Dave Attell

A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.

Bob Hope

Actions lie louder than words.

Carolyn Wells

If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.

Groucho Marx

If it keeps up, man will atrophy all his limbs but the push-button finger.

Frank Lloyd Wright

Two percent of the people think,.

George Bernard Shaw

The Vulcan Neck Pinch is not half as powerful as the Vulcan Groin Kick, but it's more politically correct.

Albert Einstein

Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. And today? Today is a gift that's why they call it the present.

Anonymous

A man can be happy with any woman as long as he does not love her.

Oscar Wilde

I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying.

Oscar Wilde

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.

Oscar Wilde

You can get far in North America with laconic grunts. "Huh", "hun" and "hi!" in their various modulations, together with "sure", "guess so", "that so?" and "nuts!" will meet almost any contingency.

Ian Fleming

I have the terrible feeling that, because I am wearing a white beard and am sitting in the back of the theatre, you expect me to tell you the truth about something. These are the cheap seats, not Mount Sinai.

Orson Welles

I don't do drugs. I am drugs.

Salvador Dali

Never trust men with short legs. Brains too near their bottoms.

Noël Coward

I never think that people die. They just go to department stores.

Andy Warhol

For Fang, getting out of bed in the morning is a career move.

Phyllis Diller

Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle, keep away from children.

Phyllis Diller

Life is an endless struggle full of frustrations and challenges, but eventually you find a hair stylist you like.

Anonymous

Punctuality is the virtue of the bored.

Evelyn Waugh

God created man in His own image, says the Bible, philosophers reverse the process: they create God in theirs.

Georg Christoph Lichtenberg

Pizza with pineapple, that's a cake. Pizza with cucumber, it's an insult.

Alessio Vinci

Robin Hood Prince of Thieves is about a communist sympathizer in tights who, uh, takes people's hard earned money and gives it to lazy people.

Hal Sparks

People that hate cats will come back as mice in their alongside life.

Faith Resnick

A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never remembers her age.

Robert Frost

Diplomacy is the art of letting somebody else have your way.

David Frost

I am prepared to believe that a dry martini slightly impairs the palate, but think what it does for the soul.

Alec Waugh