Best funny quotes

If everybody is thinking alike, then somebody isn't thinking.

George S. Patton

If we knew what where're doing, it wouldn't be called research, would it?

Albert Einstein

Any man who reads too much and uses his own brain too little falls into lazy habits of thinking.

Albert Einstein

Perhaps, as some wit remarked, the best proof that there is intelligent life in outer space is the fact it hasn't come here. Well, it can't hide forever, one day we will overhear it.

Arthur C. Clarke

I hate television. I hate it as much as peanuts. But I can't stop eating peanuts.

Orson Welles

An Englishman teaching an American about food is like the blind leading the one-eyed.

A. J. Liebling

Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.

George Burns

Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.

Maryon Pearson

When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country.

Elayne Boosler

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

Woody Allen

There is only one thing in life worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about.

Oscar Wilde

In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man, if you want anything done, ask a woman.

Margaret Thatcher

If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck?

Linda Ellerbee

Bureaucracy is the art of making the possible impossible.

Javier Pascual Salcedo

You'd be surprised how much it costs to look this cheap.

Dolly Parton

A politician will always be there when he needs you.

Richard C. Smolik

She said she would scream for help. I told her I didn’t need
any help.

Bob Hope

If you owe the bank $100 that's your problem. If you owe the bank $100 million, that's the bank's problem.

John Paul Getty

If you keep saying things are going to be bad, you have a good chance of being a prophet.

Isaac Bashevis Singer

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask what's for lunch.

Orson Welles

Scientists tell us that the fastest animal on earth, with a top speed of 120 feet per second, is a cow that has been dropped out of a helicopter.

Dave Barry

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

Groucho Marx

There is a thin line between genius and insanity I have erased that line.

Oscar Levant

Free your mind and your bottom will follow.

Sarah Ferguson

The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves.

W. C. Fields

I never drink water, that is the stuff that rusts pipes.

W. C. Fields

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

W. C. Fields

Some people pay a compliment as if they expected a receipt.

Kin Hubbard

You know something? Dogs go through life and they never have any money Not a cent! And do you know why? No pockets.

Jerry Seinfeld

My garage's motto seems to be 'If it ain't broke, we'll break it'.

Jerry Seinfeld

I can speak Esperanto like a native.

Spike Milligan

What's another word for thesaurus?

Steven Wright

The universe has fascinated mankind for many many years, dating back to the very earliest episodes of Star Trek.

Dave Barry